Thursday, May 12, 2005

Week 7 or 8

If I don't eat my meals on time, I end up spending the first fifteen to twenty minutes of the work day in the washroom, utterly convinced that I am going to throw up. But I don't. Maybe it's mind over matter - I just don't want to barf in the office. My daily vitamin seems to be the thing I consume which is most likely to propel me to the nausea epicentre.
This is the second time that I've created this blog. Every time I make an initial entry I decide it is kind of pointless and delete the whole thing. But this time I am sticking with it. I tell myself that I might enjoy reading it sometime later, or that it might be of interest to friends.
I am tired a great deal of the time now. I nap after work and I fall asleep early in the evening. There are so many things I want to do, but I just don't have the energy. Sometimes, in the early afternoon, I can't concentrate on my work. I just want to sleep. There isn't a whole lot I can do about that - especially without caffeine. I usually go somewhere a little chilly in the building, to wake me up.
I miss eating sushi and I miss having a reasonable complexion. But mostly, I miss medication. I miss advil - both the migraine and the regular variety. I miss sinus tylenol. I have had muscle issues in my trapezoids since last week that I know would have been resolved much sooner if I could have resorted to something other than massages and A535.
This week, when the temperature rose to high twenties, I wanted to wear this gorgeous black dress that I received from Sarah during a clothes exchange (especially since I'm never cold anymore), but I couldn't do up the zipper over the middle of my back. My chest is too big. It reached that PMS size and never looked back. To be fair, that dress was always snug over the chest. This also creates a problem when I sleep. I have always worn a sleeping bra to prevent pain. In the past, this meant, that once a month, despite this measure, I would wake up a little sore. Now I experience this discomfort virtually every morning. I have yet to find a sleeping position that helps minimize the problem - I don't believe it actually exists.
I get up in the middle of the night to go pee. I have to pee all the time. I am also thirsty more often, and my stomach is almost perpetually annoyed with me.
My temper has been better. Physical discomfort has always shrunk my patience, and this is no exception. I either kick up a fuss or lapse into indifference when things are not going according to plan. Beyond that, there are so many different feelings within the same day that I would need to be an air traffic controller to keep tabs on each one. There are times when life feels overwhelming.
I worry about ectopic pregnancy despite the fact that the chances are extremely low for me. I studied this subject in my honours year when I took pathological chemistry, but a head full of science seems to be cast aside at these times. The worst part is knowing that I am being irrational, but feeling powerless to control it.
Other times I worry that I am not sick enough. I worry that just being nauseous is not as good as actually puking. I worry that certain smells aren't making me gag, that I have no problems with my sense of taste and that I don't have enough symptoms. This is, of course, ridiculous.
I think I worry the most about the new job I am starting at the end of May. When I went through interviews, I wasn't pregnant. I didn't really think I would get pregnant on the first try. I didn't find out I was pregnant until after we had agreed on a starting date. Anyhow, although I know I work in an enlightened organization and that I am entitled to maternity leave, I am dreading what my new employer's will say when I tell them I am leaving at Christmas and not returning for an entire year. I want so badly to make a good impression and justify their faith in my abilities. It seems like a poor way to start things. I also worry that they will think I deceived them.

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