throwing in the towel

i am giving up on breastfeeding. things have just gotten worse for a variety of reasons and now it's ridiculous - i am compromising my own sanity etc. i reached the end of my rope. i mean i had to get rx angina meds to manage the pain because i have raynauds of the nipple, now i have a candida infection in the same location, i have had clogged ducts three times, and the flow is so fast on one side that even if i have a perfect latch, rebecca will use her tongue to squash things because she is choking on the milk so the only way to feed her on that side is to have her sitting up so i have to support her head and body and hold up my size EE boob. i know that with practice patience and time i could make it work but i am making myself miserable in the process. i feel it has become an unhealthy obsession and i am not enjoying my daughter fully as a result. i am afraid people will judge me, and i hate to fail at things, and most of all i was afraid rebecca would not love me as much, but it's irrational and i know it. i was living in fear of each feeding and the pain it engendered. i would have a big cry every two days and was not eating or sleeping right because i didn't have time.
i think i have done what is best but i still feel guilty.

Pills pills pills

Multivitamin: once per day to ensure adequate nutrients
Ibuprofen: 1 every 4 hours for clogged duct (in combo with hot shower and compresses)
Nifedipine: once per day for Raynaud's
Grapefruit seed extract (citricidal): 6 per day (2 pills 3 times per day) for potential Candida infection on nipples
Gentian violet: once per day for possible Candida infection (I actually have to paint this on - so now I have bright purple nipples)

Rebecca drowsy

Rebecca with personality

Rebecca winking

Rebecca being cute

Rebecca kissy lips